Chinese Fire Drill

There always seem to be truths--or at least half-truths--to most jokes and social commentaries. While stereotypes and generalizations are usually met with stigmas, the very reason why they are carry weight are because they more often then not hit the nail on the head. Here in China, stereotypes almost equal rule of law.

Unfortunately I didn't have my camera in class two days ago, but I vow to carry it with me just on account of what I saw this Thursday: a real Chinese fire drill.

I was wrapping up a class with on of my 8th grade sections. Everyone in class was pretty wired after a 20 minute session of "Guess Who" using the entire class as possible suspects. (Needless to say, questions pertaining to are they Chinese, do they have black hair/brown eyes did not diminish the suspect list). I was on my way out the door, moving through a crowd of students with their after class questions, when another chinese teacher came in, nearly pushed me and my students out of the way (as is custom here), yanked my usb out of the computer (leaving it on the ground) and put in hers. Picking up the usb before someone could step on it, I was about to explain how 不礼貌 “rude" this was, when she turned to me, smiled and said that I should participate in this activity with the students, and then pushed her way back outside of the classroom. Was this an honor, or a punishment I thought to myself?

I took a vacant school desk seat, told my class I was a new student and feigned interest. The video was about earthquake procedures and evacuation. During a few times during the short video clip, I burst out laughing drawing about 35 pairs of baffled brown eyes due to the production quality and drama presented during the clip. It looked exactly like the quality and style of a variety of reality chinese tv shows including "Beijing Traffic Accident" (a show were local residents in black and white flashback scenes act out both sides of small fender benders all for the sake of small remuneration packages). But soon my humor passed, and I became bored. After all, they had duped me into spending one of my 30 minute teacher breaks as a class chaperone. I decided to leave the classroom, and instead go check my email in my office.

I made it about 10 feet away from the door, before deafening sirens and alarms filled the hallways. I turned to face the classroom door, which to my shock swung open and slammed into the concrete pillar behind it. In an instant the hall turned into chaos. Students were running, not walking in an orderly fashion as they teach us in the US, but I'm talking full-on, there's a hungry tiger at my heals, sprint off. Students were pushing and shoving, throwing elbows and doing their best to be the first ones out of the school. Oh and the Chinese teachers? Yeah they were encouraging it all, pushing the slow-pokes and spurning them on faster and faster.

Having the misfortune of being in the middle of the hall during this great escape, I was bombarded by 4 foot tall bodies, who seemed hell bent on sweeping me up like a bunch of oversized fire ants and dragging me outside to their ant hill meeting area. I made a desperate lunge for the previously mentioned concrete pillar behind the door, and waited for the throng of students to clear out.

About 10 seconds later, the hall was empty. I walked toward the stair well, which was clamoring with heavy foot steps and seemingly gleeful yells. Outside, high schoolers mixed with middle schoolers and elementary kids, but the rules of survival of the fittest were being played out. Teachers, instead of staying behind to aid the wee ones through the chaos were focused on their school-issued stop watches, yelling for everyone to keep up. I was briefly reminded of footage from crowd stampedes at the Rolling Stones Concert. It was sheer madness.

How anyone didn't get hurt is beyond me. In the US this would have been a group action lawsuit, but here it was a point of pride. Everyone got out of the school in record time. After all, "competition breeds excellence" and panic is a great motivator.

The whole time I watched this event unfurl, I couldn't help but remind myself of the american game known as a "chinese fire drill". For those unfamiliar, when pulled up to a stop-light (yes this was a staple of our great american road trip) anyone can yell out loud "chinese fire drill", forcing the entire car to evacuate, run a lap around the car and jump into any available seat they can find. The trick is to do it before the light turns green, and the cars behind you begin to get impatient. Panic is your motivator, and the potential for a shotgun or window seat is your incentive to rush by your fellow passengers. The next person who tells me this game is politically incorrect or culturally insensitive, I'll take them to China town and set off a fire alarm.